Okay listen, I get that when you go out for food and drink you might have some questions regarding the menu, but it’s “that person” that can really drive the bartender to the point of no return.
Three nights ago, a seemingly normal young man sat down at my bar during a busy happy hour, ordered a drink, and asked for a food menu. After a few minutes of scanning the menu, I returned with the notion that I would take a harmless food order and be on to the next guest. It didn’t really go as planned and by the end of this interaction I was in denial that this guy was a real person asking real questions.
You’re about to read a conversation that took eleven minutes of my life that I’ll never get back…
Bartender: Hey, how ya doin? What can I get you?
Guest: Hey, can I get a bud light and a menu?
Bartender: You got it.
(roughly five minutes looking over the menu)
Bartender: Can I get you a bite to eat?
Guest: Yeah, I have a question about the nachos…
Bartender: Shoot.
Guest: Are they good?
Bartender: No, they’re awful (stupid question) just kidding, yeah they’re delicious.
Guest: Do you use real cheese or that cheese sauce stuff? Cause I don’t like the sauce…
Bartender: No, we use real cheese. (valid question)
Guest: Do they put on enough cheese?
(we’re starting to enter the “give me a break” part of the conversation)
Bartender: Well…yeah I think they put enough cheese.
Guest: I mean, does the cheese cover every chip?
Bartender: Ummmm, I would say pretty close, but…ya know, it’s not an exact science.
Guest: Sorry, I’m kind of a nacho snob…
Bartender: That’s okay. (saying sorry doesn’t make it less annoying)
Guest: It says green chili comes on them too?
Bartender: Yup, it does.
Guest: Is the green chili good?
Bartender: Yes. It’s delicious.
Guest: How hot is it?
Bartender: I’m going with “medium”
Guest: Is your “medium” real hot though?
Bartender: (inaudible sigh) It’s got a little heat, but not too much…
Guest: Is there pork in it?
Bartender: Yes.
Guest: Is it lean pork, or kinda fatty?
Bartender: Ya know what? I’ve never noticed, so it can’t be too fatty.
Guest: Can I get a sample of the chili?
Bartender: Yes. (fml)……Here ya go!
Guest: (tastes green chili) Ohh, that’s kinda spicy…
Bartender: Is it too spicy for you?
Guest: I don’t know…
Bartender: You don’t know?…Okay,… so what are we doing here? Would you like the nachos or maybe something else then?
Guest: Are the nachos layered good?
Bartender: What does that mean?
Guest: You know, like are they layered good with cheese and stuff?
Bartender: Yup, the best layers I’ve ever seen.
Guest: Are you being sarcastic?
Bartender: Man, I’m just trying to take your order. I have a full bar right now. I don’t know what you want from me. They’re nachos, man, nachos.
Guest: I know, but if I order them, I don’t want to be disappointed…(yes, he really said that)
Bartender: Well, with all the difficult decisions in life, it looks like you just have to roll the dice with this one. So…?
Guest: Okay, I’ll try them out.
Bartender: There ya go!
Guest: Is chicken extra?
Bartender: I should have gone to college.
All I’m saying is; it shouldn’t take someone more than ten minutes to order nachos anywhere in the world. I understand that you might have a couple of questions regarding the nachos, but at what point can I calmly lean in to the guest and say, “If you ask me one more question about our nachos, I’m gonna freak out”?
Thanks for reading! Leave a comment and tell me what gets you to the point of freaking out at work!!
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