Do you think a bartender spitting in your drink is just in the movies? Good luck with that.

I’ve seen a lot in the bar and restaurant business in the past twenty six years, including last night. I’m not ashamed to tell you that I’m a forty one year old bartender and if you think bar tending is easy, you’re right, and, well very wrong. It’s easy in the sense of pouring a Bud Light isn’t a difficult task and actually perfectly designed for the individual that elected to forgo the “college” part of life like me. You’re very wrong in the sense that on a daily basis we have to deal with the ignorance that lives on your side of the bar.

Let’s start with money. If you have to ask how much anything costs in any bar in the world, you can’t afford it and you should be home sipping out of a plastic bottle of vodka and cutting coupons out of your neighbors newspaper you stole out of their driveway this morning.

The bartender hates you if you’ve ever asked these questions: “How much is beer?” or “what’s cheap?” At this point, the bartender is almost certainly trying to kill you with their mind, and rightfully so. The bartender has now given up on the thought that I’m going to make a dollar tip from this person, and here’s a newsflash, we pay our bills with tips. What kind of a question is “How much is beer?”? Are you kidding with me? I have plenty of other people in the bar that I could be helping that won’t drain my soul with stupid questions, and it’s a tragedy if it’s too slow to ignore you and move on to the next guest. Okay, let me jump through the hoops for my “no tip” reward:

Bartender: What beer would you like?
Guest: What do you have?
Bartender: Bud Light, Coors Light, Fat Tire, Blue Moon, Guinness, Ranger IPA, Upslope Lager, and Tommy Knocker Coco Porter.
Guest: How much is Bud Light?
Bartender: $3
Guest: How much is Coors Light?
Bartender: $3
Guest: Wow, Coors Light used to be $2. What happened?
Bartender: I guess they raised the price.
Guest: That sucks.
Bartender: Okay.
Guest: How much is Fat Tire?
Bartender: $5
Guest: How much is Blue Moon?
Bartender: $5
Guest: What else did you say you had?
Bartender: Guinness, Ranger IPA, Upslope Lager, and Tommy Knocker Coco Porter.
Guest: What’s on special?
Bartender: Nothing until 10 o’clock.
Guest: What time is it?
Bartender: 6:48.
Guest: Is there any food on special?
Bartender: Sorry there isn’t.
Guest: That’s okay, I’m not hungry anyway.
Bartender: Did you decide on a beer?
Guest: Can I just get a water? I’m waiting for somebody.

This might seem like no big deal to you, but for the bartender, this interaction has placed you in the “I never want to come back and check on you” category and whether you get it or not, that’s whey the bartender hates you. Cheers!

P.S. I’ve never spit in anybody’s drink, unless you count my fantasies.

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